Navigating tough conversations
In our culture we don’t confront. We live in a culture of inshalahs and avoidance, so we don’t upset people. On one end we know how to react or fight or take the conversation into a dark place or we know how to avoid, sweep under the rug and get on with things with passive aggressiveness.
But part of being a proactive person is having these tough conversations. Part of serving yourself to the best of your capability is asking for help or asking for these conversations to be had so you can resolve challenges you may be facing. Sometimes part of having conversation is asking for support and guidance and clarity or simply saying ‘I don’t know’ or saying ‘This is tough but I need to ask/or I need to share/ or this is how I feel.’
There are businesses who failed to raise funding because investors couldn’t simply say the words, ‘Not interested’ and have those tough conversations. It is even more essential in business to have tough conversations with the aim of reconciliation and finding solutions in order to move forward for all parties involved.
A form of self love is also having these conversations. Holding bitterness or resentment instead of having tough conversations is a form of self harm. When I operate from that perspective I am more than willing to have these tough conversations so I can be at peace of mind and be kind and gentle to myself.
Some tactics I have learnt from therapists and mentors about bringing hard subjects to light are:
Create safe spaces for hard conversations, this can be in the form of weekly meetings, monthly meetings, for managers, founders, and employees. This can also be done personally with friends and family through gatherings or meeting up for coffee.
Never react on spot - wait it out and breathe and recollect and have this conversation when you feel balanced and safe and rooted. Ask for space to process what is happening if you are unable to come to a space of discussion but provide an alternative time and date to have these conversations. Ask for space without the aim of hurting the other party who is willing to come to the table to have a hard conversation.
My therapist taught me to start and develop sentences with the following structure when communicating hard feelings and asks ‘I feel (an emotion) I need (an ask) because of (the reason). Also starting with ‘I feel’ sounds less attacking than ‘You did…’ and pointing fingers at the other person.
There are no shortcuts. I wish there as a way to cut this part out, but emailing and texting delays conversations that must be had in order to move forward. Always pick up the phone when you can. Listen to the persons voice, show empathy and give the other person room to communicate, vent, share, and be vulnerable. Give yourself the same luxury.
I used to show up to these conversations to talk and now I try my best to listen. I try to really hear what the issue is and also find the underlying problem to be solved that is sometimes not being said. I show up to listen because sometimes others want to vent and share and I need to give them the space to do that. I expect the same courtesy.
I have never ever regretted having tough conversations, they always gave me peace of mind and closure. I lean into them precisely because they are hard to have and I want to conquer any fears I or another party have in order to achieve equilibrium and balance and closure to a challenge. I find that not having these conversations can cause bitterness, and add and escalate to an existing problem. Also I want to show the person I am choosing to have a tough conversation because I care enough to have it no matter how uncomfortable it is.
I wish for every employee, founder, investor, and human to master this skill. Understanding that having tough conversations, navigating them and coming out with a win win for anyone involved is a skill to master that can only benefit you and others around you. And mostly I wish for you to have the courage to sail through this with grace and keep cracking at it till you can do this with a space of positivity and strength of character.