I guess I should consider myself lucky that I haven’t lost anyone close to me in a very long time. I lost my grandparents when I was just becoming a teenager. And I didn’t grasp the weight of it meant at the time. I was sad but also was sheltered from seeing my grandparents go. I think it was strategic on my mothers end, she kept us away from the hospital and also made sure we travelled to summer camps to keep us busy.
At 36 years old I experienced losing my mother in law. A woman that my husband always says I remind him of. We were similar in our strength of character, our competitive nature and love for sports and athletics. She was healthy and beautiful and funny and strong. After 3 years of battling an aggressive form of cancer we lost her. This has impacted me more than I can imagine. But also am grateful for the time I have spent with her.
She has always taken an interest in my work and always had my back. She was proud of me and welcomed me into her family as her own. I always felt that she supported and loved her daughter in laws as her own daughters. She never meddled in my business and always supported me.
I never liked funerals, and would struggle to attend them. I felt they impacted me negatively and put a dark cloud over my days weeks after attending one but this time was different. I understood the importance and value of community and gatherings around loved ones. I was and felt I was in a meditative state and completely in the moment. I found myself in a complete space of being present. I felt all the feelings and entered into a dutiful zone to serve family.
I feel guilty though and wonder if I could have done more.
A few days after the funeral I slowly and surely started to integrate work in my routine. As the funeral hours were limited due to Ramadan, I found escape and some sense of balance by answering my emails and reviewing presentations. Work gave me balance, a sense of purpose and a reason to think positively. It provided me with ammunition and fuel to head back to being with family. I see now why others cope by throwing themselves at work in order to deal with the feelings of sadness and guilt. It forces you to step out of it and forces you to snap into a different state. You stop thinking about losing your loved one and gives you some mental space and capacity to go back in again.
Different people cope in different ways. After grieving for my miscarriage I traveled for a week and switched off my phone to disconnect completely. This time I found myself searching for balance between grieving and creating.
I will miss you mama ameena. Or as Saif calls you, mama Ameema. You are so loved by so many. I am happy you got to meet your grandson. I am so happy you got to join us in our wedding. I am happy I got to travel, laugh and hold you. Thank you for being you. We will see you soon.
So sorry for your family’s loss Wafa. It’s very sad supporting your partner through their grief of losing a parent when you are also grieving. Thinking of you all 🙏🏼